How not to Whale.: So I find myself here

03:48 20th Feb 2012

So I find myself here

Not asleep. Not reading. Not doing anything productive. It’s 3:32 a.m. I should be asleep. However, I’m plagued with doubts about where my life is going. I don’t even know where I am now. I don’t keep a planner. I don’t make a schedule. I live my life in the moment. The reason I do this is because I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid that if I plan something, it won’t happen. I feel that if I keep my goals in a globular-mess of I-can-finish-that-whenever that I could at least finish some of them. Are they realist goals? Yes and no. I want to write comic books, but I don’t even know where I stand as a writer. I’m essentially just a fledgeling bird. I see all of these other people trampling around this campus. I wonder if they are as worried about their future as I am. I want to write. I love it. The only problem is that the more I do it, the more absurd I think my ambitions are. I constantly ask myself, “who cares about 21st century poetic shit? This isn’t like the time of the Romantics or even that of the Beats. What is even relevant anymore? Internet memes? Television shows? Fuck that.” I wonder if I’m jumping into a dying profession or if that fear is just a parallel of my insecurities about my future self.